my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
