i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
