masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Randomize
