Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
