I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
