sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Randomize
