I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Randomize
