Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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