having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
