I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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