If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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