My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
