u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
