I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
