He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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