i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
