I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
