She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Randomize
