OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
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