chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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