I can text with my tongue
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
This is the prime rib incident all over again
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
The power of my boobs compel you
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
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