I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
