he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
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