someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
