she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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