All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Randomize