I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
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