Your face is a jimmy john
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
