Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
