...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize