i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
