Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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