I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Randomize
