Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize