you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Randomize
