My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
