someone get that fucking seahorse.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Randomize
