I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
