does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
