i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
