You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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