Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
