My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Randomize