it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
