I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Randomize
