Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
