I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Randomize
