my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
