You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
