There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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