I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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