My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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