I've blown a few things in my day
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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