You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
