Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Floor bacon is actually really good
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
