Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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