Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize