i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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