When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
