Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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