new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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