I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
