She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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